TOUCH DOWN A FEW MINUTES AGO: Collingwood Star Captain Nathan MacKinnon Has Been Banned from Sports Activities by NHL Officials After He Tested Positive for… Violation of Reality
In a story that has left both footy fans and hockey die-hards rubbing their eyes in disbelief, Collingwood Football Club’s so-called “captain” Nathan MacKinnon has been banned from all sports activities by NHL officials… despite the fact he plays in a completely different sport, on a different continent, and in a league that has absolutely nothing to do with the NHL.
According to a breaking report issued just minutes ago, NHL officials claimed that MacKinnon — the star of the Colorado Avalanche and a decorated ice hockey champion — tested positive for “V”. When pressed further, sources clarified that “V” stands for violating the space-time continuum by simultaneously captaining an AFL team while being an NHL superstar.
“This level of cross-sport athleticism is suspicious,” said an anonymous NHL insider. “Either he’s a genetic anomaly… or someone messed up the paperwork.”
Confusion Hits Peak Levels
Collingwood fans were quick to jump on the drama, many admitting they had no idea Nathan MacKinnon had even joined the club, let alone become captain.
“I thought Darcy Moore was captain. Who’s Nathan MacKinnon?” asked lifelong fan Barry from Brunswick.
“What’s the NHL? Is that the new sponsor for the Pies?” said another confused supporter.
In Canada, Avalanche fans were equally stunned.
“Wait, our Nate’s in Australia now? Playing footy? I just saw him on the ice two nights ago!” one fan exclaimed.
League Mix-Up or Marketing Masterpiece?
Speculation is mounting that the ban may not be punishment at all — but rather a bizarre, high-level marketing stunt gone wrong. Neither the NHL nor the AFL have confirmed or denied reports of a planned “cross-sport athlete experiment,” allegedly aimed at merging fan bases.
The AFL has refused to comment, but sources close to Collingwood say they “would definitely not say no” to having MacKinnon on the team.
“He’s fast, he’s tough, and he’s got a mean slap shot. We’ll figure out how to convert that to goal kicking,” said one assistant coach off the record.
MacKinnon Finally Responds
Reached for comment while leaving a rink in Denver, MacKinnon was baffled but amused.
“I don’t know what’s happening. I’ve never played Aussie Rules in my life. But if I did… I’d dominate.”
UPDATE: As of press time, the ban has been lifted — after officials realized the entire situation was caused by an intern confusing the AFL with the NHL on a spreadsheet labeled “MacKinnon.”
Leave a Reply