THIS IS THE BEST NEWS WE COULD HOPE FOR: Boston Celtics National Basketball Association Legend Larry Bird Returns as Chief Basketball Officer

In a moment that feels straight out of a Celtics fan’s wildest dream, Larry Legend himself — Larry Bird — is officially returning to the Boston Celtics as the franchise’s Chief Basketball Officer, in what is being called the most inspirational front office hire since Red Auerbach lit his last victory cigar.

The Celtics made the announcement early this morning, with head coach Joe Mazzulla, members of his family, and several Celtics alumni standing proudly beside Bird at a packed TD Garden press conference.

“This is not just a basketball decision,” said Mazzulla, visibly emotional. “This is a spiritual event. The aura of Larry never really left this building… but now it’s back in human form.”

Bird, 68, stood tall in a Celtics green blazer, arms crossed like it was 1986 again.

“I’ve seen where the game is going,” Bird said with a calm, unbothered drawl. “And I figured it was time to remind everybody where it came from.”

A LEGEND RETURNS TO HIS THRONE

Larry Bird — three-time NBA champion, three-time MVP, and eternal Celtic — is returning not just as a ceremonial figure, but with full strategic oversight of basketball operations. According to insiders, his first order of business will be “reinstating mid-range jumpers as a sacred art form” and “making trash talk a required skill at the NBA Combine.”

A CITY CELEBRATES

Boston exploded with joy. Church bells rang across neighborhoods. Dunkin’ Donuts released a limited-edition “Bird Brew” iced coffee. A 12-foot statue of Bird was spontaneously constructed out of green Legos in front of Faneuil Hall by an anonymous superfan.

Longtime Celtics supporter Bill Simmons posted a 14,000-word blog titled “Larry Bird: Our Once and Future King.”

Even opposing teams paid tribute.

“Terrifying,” said Heat coach Erik Spoelstra. “Absolutely terrifying.”

A FAMILY AFFAIR

In an unexpected but touching twist, Mazzulla’s family issued their own statement:

“We feel like we’ve gained a godfather. Literally. Joe told our kids Larry might be watching them through the rafters now.”

Bird concluded the press conference with a wink and a promise:

“We’re not just playing for banners anymore. We’re playing for blood.”!