In a stunning turn of events that has left fans, analysts, and literally every sport confused, Leon Draisaitl—who everyone thought played for the Edmonton Oilers—has reportedly signed a record-breaking $108 million contract… with the Arizona Cardinals, an NFL team.
But the real shocker isn’t the cross-sport signing. It’s what Draisaitl did after putting pen to paper.
According to sources close to the situation (mostly a guy in a parking lot wearing both a Coyotes jersey and a Cardinals hat), Leon Draisaitl has donated his entire $108 million signing bonus to a cause that’s close to his heart:
“The National Fund for Fixing Arizona Sports Teams.“
“I just thought, enough is enough,” Draisaitl told confused reporters at a press conference held on a desert golf course. “Whether it’s the Coyotes’ arena situation or the Cardinals’ offensive line… this state needs help.”
A Donation That Transcends Sports
The funds will reportedly go toward:
- Building a real NHL arena in Arizona that isn’t located inside a college campus broom closet
- Providing actual helmets for the Cardinals offensive line
- Emergency therapy for fans who watched both teams in the 2024 season
- A statue of Shane Doan that slowly weeps in the desert wind
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, when informed of the news, reportedly said:
“Wait, he did what? With who? Is this even allowed? I’m going back to bed.”
NFL Reactions: “We Just Needed a Center…”
Meanwhile, Cardinals head coach Jonathan Gannon attempted to clarify the situation:
“We thought we were signing a football center. You know, to snap the ball. Not… a German-Canadian hockey center. But Leon’s here now. He’s got heart. We’ll figure it out.”
Leon Draisaitl, now Arizona’s most beloved multi-sport athlete by default, ended the day by suiting up for the Cardinals’ preseason practice. He was seen gliding across the grass field in skates, stick in hand, shouting “Forecheck!” as Kyler Murray looked on in total disbelief.
In conclusion: Arizona may not fully understand what sport it’s playing anymore, but thanks to Draisaitl’s generosity, hope has returned to the desert.
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