In a dramatic press conference that began with a soaring rendition of Nessun Dorma and ended with confetti cannons and a fog machine, Robert Clark — the Edmonton Oilers’ famed anthem singer and accidental operatic sensation — stunned fans and media alike by announcing that a “mysterious and glamorous” group of Hollywood A-listers has acquired a minority stake in the NHL franchise.
“Today,” Clark boomed, donning a velvet Oilers cape and flanked by two interpretive dancers, “we welcome the stars not only to our skies but to our ice.”
The Celebrities Involved
While full details are still emerging, sources close to the Zamboni have confirmed that the investor group includes:
- Ryan Reynolds (because of course)
- Margot Robbie (fresh off her surprise cameo as an Oilers ice girl in a charity game)
- Jason Momoa (who referred to hockey as “aquatic battle ballet”)
- Meryl Streep (allegedly just wanted free playoff tickets)
- Drake (claiming Edmonton is now part of “The 6ix Extended Universe”)
Notably absent: Connor McDavid, who reportedly just nodded silently when asked for comment.
From Hollywood to Ice Rinks
The deal, rumored to be in the tens of millions, was apparently brokered during a secret summer retreat in Banff, where Clark reportedly serenaded guests over bison tartare and glacier martinis.
“I’ve always believed that opera, like hockey, is about power, passion, and uncomfortably tight pants,” Clark told reporters, his voice echoing throughout Rogers Place. “Now, with the glitz of Tinseltown lighting up the North, we’re ushering in the Oilers’ most theatrical season yet.”
What This Means for the Oilers
The Hollywood group reportedly plans to “add narrative depth” to the team experience. Initiatives include:
- A weekly docuseries narrated by Werner Herzog titled “Pucks and Existentialism”
- An Oilers on Ice Broadway-style musical debuting in New York in 2026
- Rumors of Stanley Cup hologram projections beaming into fan bedrooms at 2am (unconfirmed)
- A new third jersey designed by Timothée Chalamet and Anna Wintour
Meanwhile, the Oilers front office assured fans that “hockey operations will remain unchanged,” though the team’s locker room has allegedly been upgraded with a red carpet and avocado bar.
Fan Reactions
Edmonton fans had mixed feelings:
- “If this brings us a Cup, I don’t care if the Kardashians buy the whole team.” – Brenda, lifelong Oilers fan
- “I just want to watch the game without someone singing Les Misérables at intermission.” – Doug, beer league defenseman
- “I saw Momoa crush a puck with his bare hands. I believe.” – Trevor, confused but excited
Clark for GM?
When asked if he might take a larger role in the team’s management, Clark gave a sly wink and whispered: “Only if the board votes by aria.”
UPDATE:
Just before publication, Clark announced an upcoming arena concert titled “Pucktavia: A Hockey Opera”, featuring cameos from Wayne Gretzky, Céline Dion, and a CGI polar bear voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch.
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