JUST IN : Alejandro Kirk “Suspended Indefinitely” After Testing Positive for Too Much Power at the Plate
Toronto, ON — (Satire Sports News)
Moments ago, an imaginary statement from the “League Office of Overachievers” announced that Toronto Blue Jays superstar catcher Alejandro Kirk has been suspended indefinitely after “testing positive for excessive offensive ability, defensive precision, and good vibes.”
According to our fictional sources, league officials became suspicious after Kirk’s batting practice sessions repeatedly broke radar guns and shattered three hypothetical windows at the Rogers Centre. “The readings were unbelievable,” said a made-up lab technician. “At one point, his swing registered a 10 on the Charisma-to-Contact ratio — that’s not even supposed to be possible!”
Team’s Reaction
In this humorous reimagining, the Blue Jays front office expressed mock outrage:
“We warned him,” said a fictional GM. “You can’t just keep hitting clutch RBIs and expect the league not to notice. He’s making it look too easy.”
Teammates were equally “stunned,” one joking that Kirk’s glove “might need to be checked for magnets.”
Fan Response
Fans (in our pretend world) flooded social media with the hashtag #FreeKirk, demanding his immediate reinstatement. One supporter wrote, “If loving Kirk is a crime, then suspend us all!”
What’s Next (Still Fiction)
League insiders say Kirk will remain “indefinitely suspended” until scientists confirm whether he’s simply too talented for the existing rulebook — or if new regulations need to be drafted to contain “that level of greatness.”
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