In a jaw-dropping turn of events that has sent shockwaves through Bruins Nation, Boston superstar David Pastrnak has delivered a press conference that no one — not even head coach Marco Sturm — could’ve predicted.
Standing confidently at the podium in a sharp, gold-trimmed suit and holding what appeared to be a waffle cone microphone, Pastrnak leaned in and declared:
“IT IS DONE. I’m officially launching… PastaCream™. My very own international ice cream brand. And yes, I’m dead serious.”
Wait… What?!
Yes, you read that correctly. The Bruins’ top scorer — a man known for his silky mitts and wicked wristers — has apparently been secretly developing a gourmet ice cream empire during off-seasons, with flavors inspired by his teammates, Czech heritage, and, of course, hockey itself.
Among the launch flavors:
- Slapshot Strawberry Shortstack
- Bergeron Biscotti Bliss (limited edition, in honor of Patrice Bergeron)
- Zdeno Cherry Chara-Chip
- And the controversial but oddly popular: Penalty Box Pistachio
“I’ve scored a lot of goals,” Pastrnak said, licking a test scoop mid-interview. “But nothing tastes better than dreams coming true.”
Coach Marco Sturm: Absolutely Stunned
Sources close to the team say head coach Marco Sturm was only told of the ice cream venture seconds before the press conference.
“I thought he was announcing a trade request or maybe a movie role,” Sturm said afterward. “Instead, I get offered a sample of Five-Minute Major Mocha Crunch. I… I don’t know what to say.”
Insiders say Sturm’s reaction was so stunned that he momentarily sat in silence, dropped his clipboard, and simply muttered:
“Is this real life?”
Fans React Online
The internet exploded in a mix of laughter, support, and complete confusion:
🧁 @BostonBruinsForever: “I love Pastrnak, but I didn’t have ‘Ice Cream Tycoon’ on my Bruins 2025 Bingo card.”
🏒 @GoalLineGourmet: “He’s leaving us… for lactose?”
🍦 @Czechmate42: “As long as he still scores 40+ goals, he can churn all the cream he wants.”
Will He Keep Playing?
Yes — Pastrnak confirmed he’s NOT retiring. He’s staying with the Bruins and insists that the ice cream business won’t distract him.
“The ice stays frozen, and so does the dessert. I’m here to win a Cup — and maybe a James Beard Award too.”
PastaCream™ will be available in select arenas starting opening night — and fans at TD Garden will get free scoops if Pastrnak scores a hat trick.
Final Word:
As Pastrnak walked off stage, he gave one final shout:
“This isn’t a dessert business… it’s a lifestyle. See you on the ice — and at the freezer aisle.”
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