
The announcement, made via ketchup-stained press release, has sent shockwaves through both the baseball world and the stadium concessions industry.
āWe believe in raw talent, and Frankieās got it. And by raw, I mean heās never played organized baseball,ā said Pirates GM Ben Cherington. āBut have you seen him launch a hotdog 120 feet into the upper deck? Thatās arm strength we canāt teach.ā
š Who Is Frankie “Cannon Arm” Mancini?
Mancini, 42, has spent the last 18 seasons slinging hotdogs at PNC Park with a flair unmatched in stadium history. Known for launching perfectly wrapped franks from foul pole to foul pole with pinpoint accuracy, Frankie became a viral sensation last month when he hit a fan directly in the glove from Section 139 to Section 312.
The Pirates analytics team later confirmed that the toss had a release velocity of 103.4 mph and zero spin rate.
āHonestly, it was a better throw than most of our third basemen all season,ā said one anonymous scout.
ā¾ Who Was Traded?
The trade sends Oneil Cruz, Ke’Bryan Hayes, Nick Gonzales, and Rowdy Tellez to the mysterious āHotdog Futures & Processed Meats Divisionā of the MLBās collective bargaining group. Their exact destination is unknown, but there are rumors of a Pop-Up Food League (PUFL) launching next spring.
When reached for comment, Cruz said:
āI just hit a ball into orbit last week, and now Iām being traded for mustard fingers? Thatās tough, man. Respect to Frankie thoughādude’s got a hose.ā
š§ Whatās Next?
Manager Derek Shelton confirmed that Frankie will debut this week at shortstop.
āWeāll ease him in,ā Shelton said. āHe doesnāt know how to wear a glove yet, but he does have his own branded condiment holster. We see that as leadership potential.ā
Training has reportedly already begun. Frankie was spotted practicing his sidearm throws with wrapped bratwursts and doing footwork drills using spilled nachos as obstacles.
š„ Fan Reactions: Surprisingly Positive
Fans have responded with cautious optimism.
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āLook, we werenāt winning games anyway,ā said longtime fan Deb Nussbaum.
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āAt least now weāre entertaining. Plus, I heard he can launch pierogies too.ā
A āFrankie Cannon Armā jersey has already become the top-selling item in the Pirates team store, beating out Paul Skenes bobbleheads and āBring Back McCutchen Againā bumper stickers.
šļø The Pirates’ Statement
In a short, oddly poetic team statement, the Pirates summarized the move:
āSome build dynasties with gold gloves. We build ours with relish.ā
Frankieās official debut is scheduled for Wednesday night against the Cubs, where he will be batting eighth, playing shortstop, and serving hotdogs between innings.
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