ACCEPTED DEAL: Los Angeles Lakers’ Head Coach JJ Redick Inks $92.5 Billion Contract with Elon Musk, Usually Hidden Away From Public View
In what analysts are calling the most confusing sports-business-tech crossover since the metaverse tried to sponsor the NFL, Los Angeles Lakers’ head coach JJ Redick has reportedly signed a jaw-dropping $92.5 billion contract with tech mogul Elon Musk.Yes — billion, with a “B.”
The deal, usually hidden away from the public due to “classified interdimensional clauses,” surfaced this morning in a leak posted to X (formerly Twitter), which included cryptic phrases like “AI-enhanced coaching,” “Tesla-powered timeout strategies,” and “SpaceX locker room access.”
According to sources, Redick’s new contract has absolutely nothing to do with basketball salary. Instead, the former NBA sharpshooter-turned-coach will collaborate with Musk in a bold, confusing initiative titled:
“Project NeuralCourt™: Merging Human Intuition with Rocket Science“
Musk, speaking at a press conference held entirely on Mars via hologram, stated:
“JJ’s basketball IQ is the missing piece we need to colonize Europa and maybe fix the Lakers’ bench rotation. Also, he’s got the perfect podcast voice for interstellar diplomacy.”
The $92.5 billion agreement, believed to be the largest “coaching-adjacent” contract in recorded history, includes:
- Ownership stake in Mars
- A lifetime supply of flamethrowers
- Co-hosting rights for The Joe Rogan Experience in 2030
- A clause requiring the Lakers to run at least one AI-generated play per game
- A secret second team composed entirely of androids code-named “The Silicon Suns”
When reached for comment, Redick simply replied, “I just wanted better shot selection — now I own a satellite.”
NBA Commissioner Adam Silver has yet to officially weigh in on the deal, though insiders say he is “cautiously optimistic about the Lakers launching a full-court press from low orbit.”
As for Lakers fans, reactions have ranged from excitement to existential dread. One fan was quoted saying, “I don’t know if we’ll win a championship, but at least our coach is richer than the GDP of Germany.”
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