In a stunning and mildly confusing turn of events, Winnipeg Jets star center Mark Scheifele has been temporarily banned from all ice hockey activities, according to baffled NHL officials.
The reason? A recent test revealed he was “off the charts” in competitiveness, with traces of pure Grade A Canadian maple syrup coursing through his veins.
“He wasn’t even hiding it,” said an anonymous team staffer. “We caught him pouring syrup into his Gatorade mid-period. He said it gave him ‘that Manitoba edge.’”
League insiders say this isn’t the first time Scheifele has tested positive — in 2021, he reportedly failed a random check for excessive politeness, but no suspension was issued at the time due to “it being very Canadian.”
A Pattern of Sweet Behavior?
According to team sources, Scheifele has been under quiet watch ever since he showed up to training camp last year wearing hockey skates dipped in maple glaze and requesting a stick made of solid birch.
“He’s too Canadian even for us,” admitted one league official, wiping a tear. “And that’s saying something.”
What Happens Next?
The NHL is currently reviewing whether syrup-related enhancements fall under the league’s banned substances list. As it stands, Scheifele will miss one game, two breakfasts, and three Tim Hortons visits.
The Winnipeg Jets organization has released a statement, saying:
“Mark Scheifele is a valued member of our team, and we fully support his right to consume syrup responsibly.”
Fans have already rallied behind their star, trending the hashtag #FreeScheif and launching a petition to legalize syrup-based performance enhancers in all Canadian sports.
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