In a revelation that has both shocked and validated conspiracy theorists worldwide, a group of anonymous hackers known only as FeatherLeak released classified documents today revealing that pigeons are, in fact, government surveillance drones.
The 432-page document, titled “Operation SkySpy: Avian Reconnaissance in Urban Environments,” confirms that since 1974, pigeons have been gradually replaced by robotic replicas equipped with high-resolution cameras, audio sensors, and — in recent years — facial recognition software.
“We always suspected the way they watched us… and pooped with precision,” said Brooklyn resident Tanya Feldman. “Now I know why one stared at me for seven straight minutes on the L train.”
The documents reveal that the drones are solar-powered, recharged by perching on power lines, and occasionally require “software recalibration,” which explains the erratic head movements and awkward walking patterns.
In response, the Department of Avian Affairs (DAA) held a press conference this morning.
“We neither confirm nor deny the existence of any bird-related surveillance programs,” said Secretary Alfred Beaks, whose name has now sparked further suspicion.
Meanwhile, tech companies are scrambling to update their privacy policies to reflect potential avian data leaks, and a new app called BirdBlockr has topped the App Store — it claims to detect and jam pigeon surveillance signals for $3.99/month.
Animal rights activists are demanding answers.
“If pigeons are fake, what about owls? Or flamingos?” asked Dr. Lena Moreau of the Natural Life Institute. “Is anything real?”
Public trust is at an all-time low. In a nationwide poll conducted just hours after the leak, 62% of respondents said they “no longer feel comfortable eating in outdoor cafes.”
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