In a stunning and sticky turn of events, Boston Bruins superstar right winger David Pastrňák has been temporarily banned from all ice hockey activities after testing positive for an unusually high level of Canadian maple syrup in his bloodstream, according to multiple fictional sources.
The NHL announced the suspension early Thursday morning, citing an “unprecedented substance-related anomaly” detected during routine preseason testing. Officials say the syrup levels were “off the charts,” raising suspicions of performance enhancement through unconventional methods.
“We were shocked,” said fictional NHL Spokesperson Jean-Pierre Skatesworth. “We’ve seen cases of caffeine abuse and even energy drink overuse, but never have we encountered a player literally powered by syrup.”
Pastrňák, known for his electrifying offense and sweet personality, was reportedly participating in a new “all-pancake” diet, inspired by an off-season trip to Quebec. Teammates say they noticed something was off when he skated at 40 mph during a casual practice and left behind a sticky trail on the ice.
“He was buzzing out there — like, literally buzzing,” said one teammate under the condition of anonymity. “We thought it was the new skates. Turns out it was the Aunt Jemima.”
Though the NHL has no formal ban on maple syrup consumption, the league has suspended Pastrňák for 3 games pending further review, citing “competitive imbalance” and “insect attraction hazards.”
The Bruins have issued a brief statement:
“We support David as he navigates this sweet situation and look forward to his return once his glucose levels normalize.”
Pastrňák himself addressed the situation in a tongue-in-cheek social media post:
“Guess I took ‘syrupy dangles’ too literally. Be back soon, Bruins fans 🍁✌️”
The incident has already sparked debate among fans and nutritionists alike. Some are calling for a syrup limit league-wide, while others say the NHL should lean into it and start a “Breakfast Line” featuring waffles, bacon, and juice-powered enforcers.
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