In one of the most baffling yet undeniably entertaining trades in Major League Baseball history, the Pittsburgh Pirates have traded their entire infieldโyes, all four starting infieldersโin exchange for local PNC Park hotdog vendor Frankie โCannon Armโ Mancini.
The announcement, made via ketchup-stained press release, has sent shockwaves through both the baseball world and the stadium concessions industry.
โWe believe in raw talent, and Frankieโs got it. And by raw, I mean heโs never played organized baseball,โ said Pirates GM Ben Cherington. โBut have you seen him launch a hotdog 120 feet into the upper deck? Thatโs arm strength we canโt teach.โ
๐ Who Is Frankie “Cannon Arm” Mancini?
Mancini, 42, has spent the last 18 seasons slinging hotdogs at PNC Park with a flair unmatched in stadium history. Known for launching perfectly wrapped franks from foul pole to foul pole with pinpoint accuracy, Frankie became a viral sensation last month when he hit a fan directly in the glove from Section 139 to Section 312.
The Pirates analytics team later confirmed that the toss had a release velocity of 103.4 mph and zero spin rate.
โHonestly, it was a better throw than most of our third basemen all season,โ said one anonymous scout.
โพ Who Was Traded?
The trade sends Oneil Cruz, Ke’Bryan Hayes, Nick Gonzales, and Rowdy Tellez to the mysterious โHotdog Futures & Processed Meats Divisionโ of the MLBโs collective bargaining group. Their exact destination is unknown, but there are rumors of a Pop-Up Food League (PUFL) launching next spring.
When reached for comment, Cruz said:
โI just hit a ball into orbit last week, and now Iโm being traded for mustard fingers? Thatโs tough, man. Respect to Frankie thoughโdude’s got a hose.โ
๐ง Whatโs Next?
Manager Derek Shelton confirmed that Frankie will debut this week at shortstop.
โWeโll ease him in,โ Shelton said. โHe doesnโt know how to wear a glove yet, but he does have his own branded condiment holster. We see that as leadership potential.โ
Training has reportedly already begun. Frankie was spotted practicing his sidearm throws with wrapped bratwursts and doing footwork drills using spilled nachos as obstacles.
๐ฅ Fan Reactions: Surprisingly Positive
Fans have responded with cautious optimism.
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โLook, we werenโt winning games anyway,โ said longtime fan Deb Nussbaum.
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โAt least now weโre entertaining. Plus, I heard he can launch pierogies too.โ
A โFrankie Cannon Armโ jersey has already become the top-selling item in the Pirates team store, beating out Paul Skenes bobbleheads and โBring Back McCutchen Againโ bumper stickers.
๐๏ธ The Pirates’ Statement
In a short, oddly poetic team statement, the Pirates summarized the move:
โSome build dynasties with gold gloves. We build ours with relish.โ
Frankieโs official debut is scheduled for Wednesday night against the Cubs, where he will be batting eighth, playing shortstop, and serving hotdogs between innings.
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